Writer's Block: Let me at em'
Aug. 20th, 2010 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Something Reginald D. Hunter said during his set was that we're all reacting to our childhoods. I've spent a long time trying to unplug the bullshit growing up in a hick town told me about myself: I'm no good, books are for pussies, can't do anything right, nobody likes you, you're ugly, you're doing it wrong, you're an idiot, that sort of crap.
They say courage is being scared shitless and going ahead anyway. So with all that in mind the bravest things I ever did were probably decking the guy who had been terrorising me for a year and a half at high school, or taking a role that required singing a torch song and then getting naked in front of 2000 people (and getting an ovation for it), or learning to enjoy knowing I'm right when as much as an entire town is wrong (and then proving it.)
It took a long time to get to the point where I could return to someone I'd wronged and bring myself to apologise for it. Now that's no big deal at all. I know who I am, I own it, and it doesn't hurt my pride to admit my mistakes and learn from them. I've also been a complete coward. And I've yet to conquer my fear of karaoke. Seriously. That's a huge one.
I've interjected in abusive situations on the street and so far still have all my teeth.
I guess this trip was a big deal insofar as I took myself someplace alien just as I was more doubt-filled than I'd ever been (and I learned from that and all) and made myself work socially. I was fully expecting long dark nights of feeling utterly alone and worthless. Aside from the occasional speedbump that never happened. So go me, I guess.
Doing standup was momentarily terrifying, I supose, but I knew I was there with good material and I'd been performing for a few years by that point. Being up there and vulnerable - whether acting or doing standup or whatever - always had an invigorating sense of "fuck you" to it. I'm vulnerable, a big target, and they've got the comfort of numbers and anonymity. Fucking loved it. It was a metaphor for everything I'd dealt with up to that point. Made the real meaning of the crap I'd been getting from other people very, very clear and I've never looked back. It liberated me forever. mostly I've never looked at other people's bullshit the same way since.
I know there were times when I was paralysed with fear. I know there were times when I backed out as a result. I know there were times when I didn't and it always worked out well. But I can't remember any of them. I remember setpieces. I don't remember the little terror-filled booster shots along the way.
And right now, frankly, I hope I'm done with growing in that direction. I'd like to throw everything I've got into in-the-moment and ride that to Doomsday.
Something Reginald D. Hunter said during his set was that we're all reacting to our childhoods. I've spent a long time trying to unplug the bullshit growing up in a hick town told me about myself: I'm no good, books are for pussies, can't do anything right, nobody likes you, you're ugly, you're doing it wrong, you're an idiot, that sort of crap.
They say courage is being scared shitless and going ahead anyway. So with all that in mind the bravest things I ever did were probably decking the guy who had been terrorising me for a year and a half at high school, or taking a role that required singing a torch song and then getting naked in front of 2000 people (and getting an ovation for it), or learning to enjoy knowing I'm right when as much as an entire town is wrong (and then proving it.)
It took a long time to get to the point where I could return to someone I'd wronged and bring myself to apologise for it. Now that's no big deal at all. I know who I am, I own it, and it doesn't hurt my pride to admit my mistakes and learn from them. I've also been a complete coward. And I've yet to conquer my fear of karaoke. Seriously. That's a huge one.
I've interjected in abusive situations on the street and so far still have all my teeth.
I guess this trip was a big deal insofar as I took myself someplace alien just as I was more doubt-filled than I'd ever been (and I learned from that and all) and made myself work socially. I was fully expecting long dark nights of feeling utterly alone and worthless. Aside from the occasional speedbump that never happened. So go me, I guess.
Doing standup was momentarily terrifying, I supose, but I knew I was there with good material and I'd been performing for a few years by that point. Being up there and vulnerable - whether acting or doing standup or whatever - always had an invigorating sense of "fuck you" to it. I'm vulnerable, a big target, and they've got the comfort of numbers and anonymity. Fucking loved it. It was a metaphor for everything I'd dealt with up to that point. Made the real meaning of the crap I'd been getting from other people very, very clear and I've never looked back. It liberated me forever. mostly I've never looked at other people's bullshit the same way since.
I know there were times when I was paralysed with fear. I know there were times when I backed out as a result. I know there were times when I didn't and it always worked out well. But I can't remember any of them. I remember setpieces. I don't remember the little terror-filled booster shots along the way.
And right now, frankly, I hope I'm done with growing in that direction. I'd like to throw everything I've got into in-the-moment and ride that to Doomsday.
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no subject
Date: 2010-08-20 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-20 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-21 12:27 am (UTC)Also, go you. :D
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Date: 2010-08-21 01:23 am (UTC)